Prose by Sheena Jiang
Art by Brian Lee
i’m often angry at the idea that anything can be changed. that life changes–that i change–whether it is in the blink of an eye, or slowly, piece by piece, over a number of years. of course, there is nothing inherently evil about change. from common knowledge (and cliché), i know that it is an inevitable part of life. but, to explain its insidious nature, i may consider the chemical DMSO as an analogy:
DMSO (dimethylsulfoxide) is an organic molecule, often used as a solvent or a paint thinner. in low concentrations, it is generally considered non-toxic. however, the real danger is with one of its other properties. DMSO is easily absorbed through the skin, and easily dissolves a variety of other molecules. in other words, DMSO has the potential to dissolve any number of poisons and impurities, and to silently carry them through your skin, into your bloodstream.
it often feels as if grief creeps up on you silently, until you turn around and are suddenly staring at it face-to-face. the approach of grief feels completely detached from its associated events. you may slowly change without ever tangibly realizing, but when you do, the despair crashes into you like a tsunami. the idea that you will never be the way you were washes over you, drowns you, carries you from shore. you come to believe that you were never in safe waters in the first place. in reality, grief slowly seeps into you. change carries grief. it is inextricable, almost dissolved into the raw chemical substance itself. there is so much to mourn, and no warning to do so. while you were standing by the shore, idly watching the tides lap at your toes, change carried grief with it. it was absorbed through the soles of your feet, before crossing the layers and layers of epithelia you have to protect yourself from the very thing. it entered your bloodstream, became dissolved in the substance of your being, and from there it was able to reach every corner of you, from your fingertips to deep within the matrix of your marrow. and before you know it, you have been swallowed whole.