Multimedia by Andrea Sebastian
Welcome aboard. Your flight is under the command of an experienced Captain and Flight Attendant. We remain unable to understand why you are flying out to your ex-fiancé again, but thank you for choosing us as your airline. Especially now, we earnestly request that you acquaint yourself with the following emergency procedures and safety equipment.
EMERGENCY EXITS
Eight emergency exits are provided as shown. Please
check for your nearest exit. You may be unable to
locate it should exigent circumstances arise strapped be-
tween expectations and insecurity-boosting complaints.
SEAT BELTS
Keep seat belt fastened when the seat
belt sign is on. Unfortunately, in this
plane model, the sign lights are broken.
We expect you to continue using
context clues at all times
IN-FLIGHT
Turn off transmitting devices and set yourself to airplane mode. Do remember you can survive 16 hours without contact. You are not the first.
PROHIBITED ITEMS
LIFE VESTS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Your life vest is located under your seat. Place over your head. Pull straps tight around waist to fasten. Vest inflates automatically one month into the romance immersion or manually by pulling the cord, though surprisingly, the latter takes incredible skill and you
are only eighteen. Fortunately, our modern life vests no longer require blowing into the mouth- piece or the pilot. Such traditional methods tended to deflate lungs into a wrinkly mess over time.
Do not remove vest in a panic. A rescue team is always available to manage the situation.
OXYGEN
If necessary, oxygen masks will drop from above compartment.
Take nearest mask and place over nose and mouth. Ensure
yours is secured before helping others. Thankfully, our pilot
does not self-destruct or flake out at light turbulence. Breathe.
BRACE POSITION
IN THE EVENT OF EMERGENCY LANDING
Regulations require first-time passengers to comply with crew- member instructions. Crouch into brace position as shown. This is not a pose to sneakily switch your device off airplane mode.
Resist temptation to purchase an engraved ring in the rapidly descending altitude. At this rate, you should be aware it will not repair anything if you still fail to interrupt screen time to measure his finger.
EVACUATION PREPARATION
Secure hazardous items. You will not have time to contemplate if that includes the Ziploc bag you stuffed with the dried flowers and the keychain he gave you as souvenirs, apparently. You may often wonder if destroying the art pieces you created for said ex-fiancé was the correct decision. Remain calm; we are inclusive of all passengers. You will need to leave stowed baggage behind and follow friends down aisle lights immediately. Similar to confessions based on water-level assumptions, most crashes occur close to take-off or landing. Dissimilar to your beloved, we cannot lie about past experience, and will admit our airline does have an accident record. We have taken thorough measures to ensure our passengers are in reliable hands, so please consider choosing Intercontinental Airlines for your return. We have a higher customer retainment rate, after all. On behalf of all ex-fiancés worldwide, thank you and enjoy your flight.
